If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
