Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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