Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
