my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
