I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
