You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i've created a new STD.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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