Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have already put on my inside pants.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
