I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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