Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
