so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she smelled like a LAN party
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
