if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
