I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How external is "for external use only"?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
