ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Randomize
