Swine flu. Run for my life!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
