When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
