pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
