with your own penis?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
