roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
