I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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