i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
