She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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