You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
