textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
