If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
