Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
