so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
