My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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