do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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