i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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