she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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