I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
