I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
