the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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