i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
