so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
