i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
