She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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