I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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