im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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