drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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