Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
