Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
