a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
