I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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