she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
