I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
