the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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