yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
