so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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