you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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