you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
