My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
