My cat gives me a boner
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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