i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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