onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
