how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
