No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
