Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
